Week 8

It's been a really busy week, lots of working late. It is the busy season for cattle producers so it's the busy season for me too. Even so, it's been a good week for training. I finally made it to class on Friday and was able to get in an hour or so at open training and on Sunday as well. I don't want to get too hopeful, but the weather forecast seems promising.

I have been thinking about guilt lately, specifically after reading some blog postings about how hard it can be as part of the I Ho Chuan team. I think this is my 6th or 7th UBBT/ I Ho Chuan year and I have felt a lot of guilt in past years. Feeling guilty for missing class or meetings. Guilt for not doing my situps or pushups. Guilt for not being more of a leader or for not starting a great initiative within the team, etc. etc. I think I have finally made the connection between guilt and the idea that my kung fu should be serving me. Guilt does not serve me. It makes me feel terrible about myself and want to throw my hands in the air and walk away. It makes me feel resentful towards kung fu and even the goals I myself set because here I am not accomplishing them.

Guilt in this setting is a useless thing. It doesn't accomplish anything. Sometimes life happens and you don't make it to class but that shouldn't be a reason to fall into a downward spiral. We are learning how to apply mastery in our lives, that isn't going to happen overnight. I have struggled with this a lot as someone who can't make a lot of classes or even open training most weeks. I just think it's important to remember why you joined in the first place, how terrible if your I Ho Chuan year made you never want to see the kwoon again because you couldn't stand it anymore. Just don't forget how much you love kung fu, and don't be so hard on yourself!

Week 7

Life is getting back to normal, although Adrien is away for work again so the kids have been missing their classes, just don't get home in time for them to go. I missed Friday AGAIN! I got my first bad cat bite, it's kind of a given that it will happen at some point doing what I do, man did it hurt! Doesn't look very spectacular though, puncture wounds are just holes. So just one day after even though I'm on antibiotics it's infected, gross. I'm having trouble making a fist with my left hand because of the location of the bite and the swelling, so no spear for now. I feel really frustrated, like I just can't move forward at all. I have been keeping up with situps, acts of kindness and my diet tracking at least. Getting back on track with my kms as well now that I can walk the dog again.
The Silent River community impressed me again this week, Chantal wanted to be involved with Pandamonium and raising money and came up with the idea of a bake sale. She was so excited about the overwhelming support from fellow students. I'm so glad that my girls are part of such a great group that allows them to be involved in something worthwhile and gives them a venue to spread their wings as far as leadership goes.
As absent as I have been from the kwoon I am trying to stay engaged on my own, it's not quite the same but here's hoping I'll actually see you all on the mats soon!

Week 6

So I'm starting to feel like a real person again! It's such a relief. I didn't do any physical kung fu this week, but being out of bed and out and about a bit has given me the chance to at least do a couple of acts of kindness. I was the recipient of many acts of kindness over the last two weeks, thanks for all the nice comments everyone! I had great nurses in the hospital and my family and co workers were wonderful. I feel lucky to have so many great people around. I am going to try to get sit ups back into the routine starting tomorrow, I have gotten a lot of strength back but I really noticed sore muscles just from doing things like walking. I have already gained back 7lbs so things are looking up.
This experience has been a lesson in humility for me and has also made me so grateful for my health. I'm hoping to be in class on Friday, maybe just taking it easy but there!

Weeks 4 & 5...ugh

I have been very absent from kung fu, and everywhere actually, last week and it seems like I will be for a while longer. I am extremely sick right now, after waiting for my test results most of the week it was confirmed on Friday that I have cryptosporidium. Sounds wonderful right? Think of the worst stomach flu you've had in your life and up the cramps by 100%, then pretend it's been going on for 11 days. Yuck.

So it's a protozoa and I got it from working in the isolation ward with sick calves. So this thing has to run it's course, antibiotics don't do anything,. The problem is I can hardly eat or drink, I've lost 20lbs in ten days. Honestly I'm feeling scared to lose more weight and that this is never going to end. I'm so weak that walking to the bathroom from my bed leaves me breathless and my heart racing. I've gone to the hospital for IV fluids a couple of times now which helps, I just wake up every day hoping today is the day I'll feel better. I've been able to keep up with reading the blogs at least. I know this is all really gross and I wasn't going to post about it but I don't want to fall behind in journalling and this is whats going on right now. So that's where I am everyone, I don't know when I'll be back, hopefully I turn a corner here soon.