It's all white noise in there

It was a really weird week. I really don't know where else to go. I start to write about stuff and it just gets too jumbled up and I can't even come close to explaining it in any way that would make sense without 2 or 3 hours of back story.
I saw my sister this week. I haven't seen her for a year... really long story, not a good one. The weird thing is that I didn't know I was going to see her, she was at a family function and so was I. She just acted like nothing had happened or that we haven't seen each other forever and it was strange. Really strange. It was great to see her, and my nieces. The younger one doesn't remember me, but the older one was totally overjoyed to see me and my girls, that was awesome. On the drive home I fell into this deep funk. I just don't know how to deal with seeing her and being torn between just being OK with the way things are and feeling like, hey there's all this stuff we haven't dealt with yet, which would completely drive her away again. That and sitting on the freeway for an hour and a half in construction traffic and missing the class I was supposed to teach.
Well, it's all still unresolved and I expect it will stay that way for awhile. I am trying to make patience a part of my life, but it's harder than I thought. I am grateful for any steps in the right direction, I just hope I'm actually going in the right direction.

There's no place like home

Everyone has there own idea of what makes a home. For me, it's family. I have a few different places that feel like home to me. My camping trailer, where I sleep in and so do the kids (miracle of miracles) where there is always sand on the floor from the beach that sticks to your feet and gets in the sheets, and where I can sit at the table and make pancakes on the stove at the same time. My moms place, and Adriens mom and dads place, you know it's home when you can root around in the fridge comfortably. The kwoon is where I spend a ton of time too, it's comfortable, familiar and my kids hang off the front counter no matter how many times I tell them not to. I have sweat and bled and cried and laughed there. I have had my face in peoples armpits and had theirs in mine, now thats family. Of course there's my home. It's kind of thrown together with stuff we had when we first got married that people gave us alongside the awesome custom couch we bought a few years ago. But of course it's not the things in your home, where ever it may be, that matter. It's the stories that go with them and the feeling you get when your there. This ended up being kind of a sappy post, but I was gone from home for a few days and it's good to be back.

Gaining Momentum

There are days during this UBBT journey that I question what the heck I was thinking when I said I wanted to do it, but I can always recall the feeling I had when Sifu Brinker asked me if I was interested in being a part of it. And then I kick myself and tell myself how lucky I am to be part of it.
In some ways I feel lucky that I am not a black belt at this point. I feel like it gives me an advantage because it always motivates me to work harder. It's kind of like being part of a secret club and you didn't go through the hazing but everyone else did so you have to work twice as hard to show everyone else that you deserve to be there.
I have never been in better shape in my life. I am faster than I ever have been. I am stronger than I have ever been. I am more compassionate and kinder than I have ever been. In the last 5 months I have done more things that I have never done than the rest of my adult life. I feel like my life has gained a momentum that I never want to lose.
I think about the reasons that so many things that I have wanted to do haven't happened until now, I think about people that talk to me about how they just can't seem to accomplish the things they set out to do, and I know now that if you don't give 100% commitment it won't happen. It's really one of those kind of disappointing answers for people because everyone wants to know what the secret is and it's not a secret. Your just doing what you said you were going to do!
Every time I feel like I can't do anymore push ups or forms or whatever it is I think about rolling backwards down a hill and how hard it is to stop that negative momentum. Speaking of which, I need to go do some push ups.

hmmm

Not to much to say this week, as usual I am staring at the screen trying to think of something to write.I got to be part of the Canada Day demo this week, that was fun.

For the past month or so I've been doing something different with my jiu jitsu requirement and it's been really great. It's a very self defense oriented approach to ground fighting. It's a lot more organized than what I was previously doing and I think I'm getting more out of it. Whenever I learn something new with jiu jitsu I walk away with a "wow that was really cool" feeling. Ground fighting is definitely it's own style. I have trouble remembering what I've learned when I'm in a fight, but everyone who has more experience tells me it comes with practice, I think I've heard that somewhere before....