So.

So it's been a long time. Again. I really don't know what to say, or where to start. I am supposed to be spending time thinking about the direction I am taking, but I find that my thoughts are complicated and jumbled, even in my own head I don't know where to start.

I've never had trouble sticking to my goals before, even if it wasn't for me, I was accountable to the team, and that's all it took to motivate me. I don't know if it is just selfishness or what, but I am having a rough go of this year- as I'm sure all of you already know.

I know being sick for 2 weeks and then getting my strength back threw me off, but that's no excuse: Sifu T. Playter had cancer and that didn't stop her. I am so unsure of where I see myself going, the aimlessness in my head has translated to inactivity. I also struggle with the idea of a black belt and ranking as a black belt, I won't go into details, but I just don't know if it's me or not, I'm certainly not setting a good example anyway.

This past couple of weeks have made me extremely grateful to the people who have reached out or said hi at kung fu, to Sifu Brinker who has humbled me with his offer of time. Of course Sifu Kichko who has been my tireless training partner and cheerleader, she has dragged my butt out of the gutter a million times, couldn't ask for a better friend. The remaining members of the fantastic five- you guys are the best. You guys are the reason I'm still here.

Although I have not been active at kung fu, I continue to train at home, I had such a great run with my dog on Tuesday, we ran through the bush and I swear you can run farther when your on the trails rather than a track or just pounding the pavement. It's one of those magical things about nature.

I am trying to make schedule changes so I can make more classes. I have gone to a couple of fitness classes now and it's been so great, what a good group. I work this Saturday but I'll be wishing I was there.
I guess that's it for now.

McCartney

Last winter a dog from SCARS came to the clinic, he was transferred from the Loydminster area and had been hit by a car. He had a prodedure done to remove the head of his femur and just a general stitch up and clean up of all his lacerations and road rash. I won't go into all the details, but he stayed in the clinic for months needing a lot of daily care and bandage changes as well as a couple more surgeries. I don't know why, but me and this dog had such a bond, he put up with so much during his recovery- you can't blame a dog for lashing out when it's in pain but this guy actually smiled every time he saw me. He became my shadow at the clinic and followed me everywhere, the staff referred to him as my dog. The SCARS volunteer asked me almost every day "why haven't you adopted him yet? He's yours, you just don't know it" I don't know why- I just couldn't do it even though I adored him. When McCartney left for foster care and found his forever home I was happy/sad. I was not at work the day he came to say goodbye to all the staff and everyone said he ran around looking for me.
Today his owners sent us an update about him and how much they love him, honestly you couldn't dream up a better home for a dog. Maybe they are why I couldn't take him, he was meant for someone else.  This blog has absolutely nothing to do with kung fu or my training, but I wanted to write about him.

It's been a while

Well it's been almost a month since I've blogged. Honestly no real reason why, I have fallen off the wagon I guess. I haven't been doing my requirements, except acts of kindness and my kms. I suppose it started with being frustrated with my spear, it has been incredibly hard on my shoulders and I can't do it anymore. I've been thinking of going back to my cane but that's as far as it's gone.

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my training and my place at Silent River. It's been tough. I haven't come to any realizations, just more dead ends. It's hard to make it to any classes so I feel like an outsider when I'm there, it's in no way due to how others treat me, just my own feelings. I guess this ended up sounding like a really negative blog posting, but I'm not sure what else to write about. See you all at the meeting Saturday.

Week 13

Things haven't slowed down this week, and I struggled to get any training in. I am headed to Montreal for a birthday/ anniversary trip with Adrien so I definitely won't have my spear with me!

I am really looking forward to Pandamonium and I know that more than any other year my kids are more engaged and excited about the Pandamonium. It's great to see them interested in  things that matter! Thats all I've got this week, I'm headed to the airport. See you all next week.
Sifu Prince

Week 12

I feel like I say a lot of the same things in my blog every week, so now, trying not to be repetitive, I have nothing to say.
It seems like as it is with many other team members, work is crazy. Yesterday was the first bad day I've had in a year working where I am. There was a lot going on but part of it is that I'm back in isolation with sick calves. There is a line up of farmers with calves, all with the raging poos. I find I am getting angry because I'm anxious about getting sick again. I am taking all the precautions I can but I'm not finding peace of mind with that. I can't convey the sinking/ overwhelming feeling of dealing with so much poo. I know this is a terrible thing to blog about but seriously, I wanted to cry.
I went to my first Tai Chi class on Saturday and I enjoyed it more than I thought. Thanks to Sifu Kichko for helping me out! I will miss this Saturday, I'm seeing my mom for mothers day out of town. Have a good week!

Week 11

I've been getting lot more kung fu in the last few days with the better weather, getting lots of kms too. I am finding that doing double articulation is super hard on the shoulders. I am also finding it hard because I have always had my hand position wrong for double articulation and it wasn't until I was a black belt that I found out. Old habits are hard to break, as you all know, and I find myself easily slipping into bad habits.

I have started a kind of physio routine for my shoulders, they are pretty sore right now but I feel that there are some good changes happening. I am doing an exercise to push my shoulder joint into the back of the capsule using weight, it feels awesome. Anyone who slouches their shoulders forward should try it. See you all this week!

Week 10- whoops

Totally forgot to blog. Totally. Not that I had much to say anyway. I am pretty much just plugging along over here. Had a good Easter weekend with family, ate a lot of food! I am actually enjoying the rain since it's not snow.
At lunch today I was reading a veterinary magazine and there was an article about a vet who had her nose broken by a dog who lunged at her in the exam room. The point of the story was about how not to get hurt by an agressive patient, anyway, one of the points was to learn how to dodge a punch. Really. This vet recommends having some kickboxing or martial arts training to develop your reflexes. In the weird way the world works, after reading this article, a pitbull went after me today in a closed space, I avoided getting hurt and although I can't say what combination of circumstances was responsible for keeping me safe, I will take the odds that knowing how to dodge a punch helped me out.
See you all on the mats

Week 9

Today is one of those days that I am staring at the screen not sure what to write about. It is my only day off this week, it's been so busy at work, and while overtime is nice I am really looking forward to the long weekend next week. This is the most I've ever been away from the kwoon and it is hard. I am trying to go to the kwoon on Sundays to practice, although there is a growing patch of grass in the backyard that I will be able to practice on soon, hurray spring! 

I have been trouble with my shoulders again. I am so used to dealing with it I hardly think of it anymore, but the most frustrating thing for me is not being able to stay in bed. Like I said earlier, it's my day off and my big plan was to sleep in until at least 9. I was up at 7 because I just can't stay lying down and be comfortable. I can't sleep on my sides or my stomach so I lay in bed like I'm in a coffin. The swelling from not moving gets so uncomfortable I have to get up. It has made me think about how I tend to put up with things that I shouldn't, like constant pain. Adrien got me a really good book called "Becoming a Supple Leopard", different title but its an amazing book. There is a ton of info about your muscles and your body in general as well as how to fix problems- like your pesky shoulders. I'm going to try to be diligent with it this week and I can post more about it next week. 

One a totally different note I just want to put it out there how grateful I am for the life I have and all the good things in it. There are people connected to me that are having tough times and it just reminds me of how many things there are to be thankful for, kung fu definitely being one of them. See you all next week.

Week 8

It's been a really busy week, lots of working late. It is the busy season for cattle producers so it's the busy season for me too. Even so, it's been a good week for training. I finally made it to class on Friday and was able to get in an hour or so at open training and on Sunday as well. I don't want to get too hopeful, but the weather forecast seems promising.

I have been thinking about guilt lately, specifically after reading some blog postings about how hard it can be as part of the I Ho Chuan team. I think this is my 6th or 7th UBBT/ I Ho Chuan year and I have felt a lot of guilt in past years. Feeling guilty for missing class or meetings. Guilt for not doing my situps or pushups. Guilt for not being more of a leader or for not starting a great initiative within the team, etc. etc. I think I have finally made the connection between guilt and the idea that my kung fu should be serving me. Guilt does not serve me. It makes me feel terrible about myself and want to throw my hands in the air and walk away. It makes me feel resentful towards kung fu and even the goals I myself set because here I am not accomplishing them.

Guilt in this setting is a useless thing. It doesn't accomplish anything. Sometimes life happens and you don't make it to class but that shouldn't be a reason to fall into a downward spiral. We are learning how to apply mastery in our lives, that isn't going to happen overnight. I have struggled with this a lot as someone who can't make a lot of classes or even open training most weeks. I just think it's important to remember why you joined in the first place, how terrible if your I Ho Chuan year made you never want to see the kwoon again because you couldn't stand it anymore. Just don't forget how much you love kung fu, and don't be so hard on yourself!

Week 7

Life is getting back to normal, although Adrien is away for work again so the kids have been missing their classes, just don't get home in time for them to go. I missed Friday AGAIN! I got my first bad cat bite, it's kind of a given that it will happen at some point doing what I do, man did it hurt! Doesn't look very spectacular though, puncture wounds are just holes. So just one day after even though I'm on antibiotics it's infected, gross. I'm having trouble making a fist with my left hand because of the location of the bite and the swelling, so no spear for now. I feel really frustrated, like I just can't move forward at all. I have been keeping up with situps, acts of kindness and my diet tracking at least. Getting back on track with my kms as well now that I can walk the dog again.
The Silent River community impressed me again this week, Chantal wanted to be involved with Pandamonium and raising money and came up with the idea of a bake sale. She was so excited about the overwhelming support from fellow students. I'm so glad that my girls are part of such a great group that allows them to be involved in something worthwhile and gives them a venue to spread their wings as far as leadership goes.
As absent as I have been from the kwoon I am trying to stay engaged on my own, it's not quite the same but here's hoping I'll actually see you all on the mats soon!

Week 6

So I'm starting to feel like a real person again! It's such a relief. I didn't do any physical kung fu this week, but being out of bed and out and about a bit has given me the chance to at least do a couple of acts of kindness. I was the recipient of many acts of kindness over the last two weeks, thanks for all the nice comments everyone! I had great nurses in the hospital and my family and co workers were wonderful. I feel lucky to have so many great people around. I am going to try to get sit ups back into the routine starting tomorrow, I have gotten a lot of strength back but I really noticed sore muscles just from doing things like walking. I have already gained back 7lbs so things are looking up.
This experience has been a lesson in humility for me and has also made me so grateful for my health. I'm hoping to be in class on Friday, maybe just taking it easy but there!

Weeks 4 & 5...ugh

I have been very absent from kung fu, and everywhere actually, last week and it seems like I will be for a while longer. I am extremely sick right now, after waiting for my test results most of the week it was confirmed on Friday that I have cryptosporidium. Sounds wonderful right? Think of the worst stomach flu you've had in your life and up the cramps by 100%, then pretend it's been going on for 11 days. Yuck.

So it's a protozoa and I got it from working in the isolation ward with sick calves. So this thing has to run it's course, antibiotics don't do anything,. The problem is I can hardly eat or drink, I've lost 20lbs in ten days. Honestly I'm feeling scared to lose more weight and that this is never going to end. I'm so weak that walking to the bathroom from my bed leaves me breathless and my heart racing. I've gone to the hospital for IV fluids a couple of times now which helps, I just wake up every day hoping today is the day I'll feel better. I've been able to keep up with reading the blogs at least. I know this is all really gross and I wasn't going to post about it but I don't want to fall behind in journalling and this is whats going on right now. So that's where I am everyone, I don't know when I'll be back, hopefully I turn a corner here soon.

Week 3

I found it hard to keep motivated this week, I wasn't able to make to it any classes at all. Also it's FREEZING out! I'm still not able to practice anything with my spear outside of the kwoon. I was able to keep up with my situps and acts of kindness and my diet tracking, although after a couple of busy days not writing things down and those numbers are lost. I don't have much to say, just going to keep plugging along over here. It's getting to be the busy season at work- calving season. I'm hoping this won't keep me late to often. See you all Friday.

Week 2

I wish I was better at writing. I don't mind blogging weekly, but I find it hard to write down thoughts in a way that makes sense. I am trying to write down blog post ideas if they come to me this year, I have spent considerable time in the past few years staring at this computer screen wondering what to write about, as I'm sure most of you have too. At the meeting on the 8th part of the discussion was the  Benevolent Foundation and Ms. Fuhr asked what it was. I wrote down a note in the meeting based one what Sifu Brinker was saying about how it isn't necessarily about the charities and the money we raise, but how it changes US. Empathy training is only successful if the student actually feels empathy, makes a connection of some kind. I think that is where we are failing, not making those connections. It got easy for me working with so many SCARS animals at work, you can't not be moved by seeing a starving dog wolf down it's first meal in who knows how long, or watching an abused animal recover from it's wounds. I don't know how, but I want us all to take it onto ourselves to make a connection to our charities, make it personal. If we are supposed to be inspiring the school to raise 20,000 we need to be inspired ourselves. I think one of our down falls has been waiting to long to get this going, if anyone has any ideas about ways to bring this to the school, maybe has a talent with putting together a video or something, we should talk. How cool would it be to make this year the year we do this?

Week One

I forgot to cut and paste last weeks blog to the team site, whoops. It's been a good first week of Year of the Horse, I have become a convert to Sifu Brinker's method of getting my sit-ups done first thing. My day can often go awry from what has been planned and it is a relief to have that done at least. I'm having some trouble practicing spear in the house, crossing my fingers for warmer weather! It's easy getting in my km's walking the dog, although the weather is slowing down us there too a bit, the dog just isn't hairy enough for this climate.

One of my goals this year was to learn better time management. I'm often not home until 9 at night and it's easy for my responsibilities at home to get way behind, plus just doing mom stuff like talking to the kids, making their lunches etc. So far making sure everyone's lunches are made the night before and having at least 2 dinners prepped on the weekend has made a noticeable difference. Being part of the I Ho Chuan team keeps you BUSY as all returning members know, and I don't think I've ever successfully found a really good sustainable balance. I'm hoping this will be the year! See you all Friday.

New Year

Chinese New Year was amazing last night. It felt extra special this year, I don't know if it was because I wasn't a part of it the year before or what, but it was great.
I'm excited to start on new goals this year, at the same time I don't know if all I've set out for myself is really achievable. Actually I had second guessed myself to the point that I told Sifu Brinker I couldn't do it and that he could give my spot to someone else. If you've been in Sifu Brinker's office you know that it is somehow connected to another universe where everything he says makes 100% sense and all your reasonable arguments disappear, and so I'm on the team. Not that I'm sorry, Sifu Brinker was right and I can't wait to get going with the year. I hope that I can hang on to the feeling we had last night through this year and keep it in front of me through the tough parts of this coming year. Happy year of the Horse!